Counting Pearls

Life isn't wonderful all the time, for anyone. I'm sure you've experienced many disappointments, difficulties, trials, challenges, failures, hurts, pain, and even traumatic events. The kind that blind us, anger us, irritate us, hurt us, disappoint us, and so on. These are things we can count on in life.

In the bible, Job said it first " Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upwards". Even Jesus said " In this world you will have trouble".

I was first introduced to the concept of counting pearls 20 years ago. I was barely 24, had gone through a challenging and long separation from my husband, and we were recently reconciled and living together again. As part of our "do- over" we joined a weekly marriage group. The marriage group was reading Gary Smalley's book "Making Love Last Forever". In this book the author talks about the painful events in our lives being sandstorms, then how to turn our sandstorms into pearls (blessings). If we want to get "better" we have to learn to use the sandstorms for good and for growth.

Bitter or Better?

How do we respond to these moments in our lives? How can we take these negative events and turn them into something positive? can we? Smalley says "We can get bitter or we can get better". Sometimes its an unconscious choice. If you find yourself bitter when looking back over these events, take heart, you can choose differently this time.

Sandstorms

Sandstorms are those events that disrupt our way of life, discourage us on a deeper level, or cause devastation and pain. Really any event that changes the course of your life in someway, or effected you in a negative way is a sandstorm. When I made my original list of sandstorm events, I went all the way back and started at my birth.

The process of writing these events out in a time line changed me in so many ways. It opened my eyes and taught me to be more connected to my past and to my pain. Too many times I had moved on after surviving a HUGE sandstorm without resolving these conflicts within myself. These sandstorms in my life had changed me, yet I had not acknowledged my pain, grieved, or honored the fact that each of these major events had played a role in my future. Some had changed me for the worse (bitter) and some for the better. We have to acknowledge our past before we can build the future that we want.

Pearl counting is done after the storm. Depending on how fresh the dirt is in my hair and under my nails, I cannot find a pearl. This is because like Oysters, it can take months or years to create a pearl out of a single grain of sand. Dust yourself off, get back up, and keep an eye out for your pearl, you'll find it. I promise!

Gary Smalley's book "Making Love Last Forever" provided a simple exercise on turning sandstorms into pearls, which I will provide for you below. This simple, yet challenging exercise, has stuck with me over the years, and I no longer need to pull out a piece of paper to find my pearls. I have mastered pearl counting over the last 20 years, which only means I can find the pearl from the sandstorm faster. Practicing pearl counting after a major sandstorm has taught me the POWER there is in turning sandstorms into pearls. It feels so good to let go and take back the power (joy) that temporarily left me, that I do the same pearl counting with my little sandstorms too. It helps me to bounce back faster in the middle of my day when something goes wrong.

It's not easy writing out a list of negative life events. In my early twenties there had not been many, but they had been the most devastating and damaging. In the 20 years since, the list has grown tremendously. My mothers death last year is a big one. I am hoping to find many pearls that can come out of that painful experience over time, but so far I have only found a very tiny one. It's possible, that as I grieve and heal I will find the rest of the pearls her death deserves.

Am I an Oyster?

The answer is yes! The analogy of a pearl is perfect, considering the beautiful pearl inside an oyster starts out as a single grain of sand (from the sandstorm) and other parasites that enter their shell causing irritation. These little and big sandstorms effect our thoughts and emotions, creating pain and irritation. The Oyster secretes layers of aragonite to create the pearl out of that irritation. They will also secrete layers of aragonite if they sustain damage to their shell. The same material that creates a pearl, also creates a thick or thicker shell. Sound familiar? We too can build thick walls of defense if we feel damaged.

Pearl counting helps us to not become bitter or stay bitter. It helps us to acknowledge the sandstorms and then turn them into pearls in our lives. This process strips the sandstorm of its power over us, and allows us to take that power back, and use it to fuel our happiness and joy.

Pearls can be blessings, benefits, positive outcomes, life lessons, changes in our character, changes in our thoughts and attitudes, etc. You will face many sandstorms, but you can use those storms to create beautiful pearls. But before we can count our pearls, we need to find them.

Dig Deep and Find Those Pearls

Are you ready to try the exercise of pearl counting in your life? I recommend that you start the exercise when you have enough time to process your thoughts. Find a quiet space with a piece of paper and something to write with. Its easier if its a lined piece of paper.

Take out the paper and draw a line down the middle. Label the left column "Sandstorms", and the right column "Pearls".

In the left column, list out all of the sandstorms in your life. Remember these are the events that where painful, disrupting, discouraging, and devastating. Most people know right away what their sandstorms are, but still give the process time and think back to when you were born. Although I don't have strong memories of my parents divorce, I knew that must have had an impact on me at age three so I listed it. Once you have written out your sandstorms in the left column (maybe even numbered them like I did), you're ready to find your pearls and start counting them.

In the right column you'll want to list one pearl for each sandstorm on the left. Remember pearls are the blessings that came out of the sandstorm event. Pearls are the positive outcomes, the change in your attitude or character for the better. They are the life lessons and benefits that arose from your tribulation. For example: " I lost my job" might be a sandstorm on the left, and "I met my husband at my new job" is the pearl on the right that came out of that sandstorm. This was true for me. I was going through a major life change (calling off an engagement, loosing my car, therefore losing my job because I had no car) and felt hopeless when I took a new job closer to home. But it was at this new job that I met my husband. That's a pretty big pearl out of a HUGE sandstorm in my life. We had been married now for 25 years.

Some pearls will be easy to spot and quick to list, others will take time. Don't give up! Its the challenging pearls to find that are the most important. Usually, the negative experiences we have hung onto, maybe even claimed the negative event as part of our identity, are the ones we need to find the most. In order to let it go, and to reclaim the power for positivity in your life, you have to dig deep and find the pearl. Even if its tiny, its there.

If you find yourself stuck on a certain sandstorm, and not able to find your pearl, move on to another sandstorm and come back to this one later. Don't get stuck. Go find the easy ones first, as they will help you and encourage you to go back and dig deeper for more pearls.

Wear Your Pearls Proud!

I hope the exercise of writing out your sandstorms and counting your pearls will be as uplifting and life changing for you as it was for me. Everything happens for a reason, and we see that more and more when we can find the pearls. Don't wear your scars from the storm proudly, wear your pearls as something to truly be proud of. Count them and keep them as something to look back on, but also as a reminder for the next storm. There is more on this in my next blog post called " What Doesn't Kill You".